Top Five Methods to Wreck a Project

(…and five truths to avoid burning your project management reputation…)

If you want your project to be successful, you really need to overanalyze every scenario, have thousands of pages of documentation that no one will ever read, and follow the PMBOK^® Guide like a cooking recipe. Wait – or is that the other way around? Of course, I’m kidding here, but I get messages from people every day with this mindset.

Here’s a real secret: project management isn’t about managing the project; it’s about getting things done.

On that note, here are my top five ways to wreck any project.

1. Form a Committee

You know what they say: "Too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they're wrong. The more, the merrier! Gather as many people as you can find and form a project committee. Make sure it includes folks from various departments or backgrounds who have no idea what the project is about. Ensuring that at least half of the committee members are known for their love of tangents and random anecdotes is essential.

If you get enough people together, you’ll ensure there’ll be no movement on the project. Too many people equate to more opinions, delicate conversations to pamper those opinions, and power struggles in the project.

Truth: More project people equate to more project problems. Only involve the people who absolutely need to be involved.

2. Embrace Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, or the next day, or next month? Procrastination is an art form that should be cherished and honed to perfection. Start by setting ambitious deadlines that are practically impossible to meet, and then proceed to waste valuable project hours debating the best cat video on the internet. (It’s Piano Cat, of course.)

Parkinson’s Law tells us that work expands to fill the time allotted to it. Stupid deadlines, deadlines that are generous in completion time, often set us up for procrastination. When I have all this time to use, why be in a rush, any urgency? Deadlines should be more of a suggestion anyway.

Truth: Have a get-stuff-done mentality with deadlines that encourage realistic expediency.

3. Delegate with Wild Abandon

As the project manager, you delegate tasks and then forget about them entirely. Assign responsibilities based on a random selection process, like drawing straws or playing "eeny, meeny, miny, moe." This ensures that everyone on your team gets a chance to shine, whether qualified or not. And you can chill out with piano cat videos.

The beauty of this approach is that you'll be surprised at the end when you discover that no one has actually completed their tasks. It's like a game of project roulette, and the suspense will keep you on your toes. Just remember, it's all in the name of improving the project... somehow.

Truth: Stretch assignments stretch capabilities and learning, but these assignments need to be in the person’s wheelhouse of capabilities to start with. It’s good for people to learn new skills, but we don’t want to burn expensive time, resources, and patience with someone’s on-the-job training. A get-this-thing-done mentality is better than a let-me-experiment-for-days mentality.

4. Use Jargon Liberally

Nothing says "I know what I'm doing" quite like peppering your project discussions with buzzwords and industry jargon. Throw in phrases like "synergistic cross-functional alignment" and "paradigm-shifting scalable solutions" whenever possible, regardless of whether they make any sense in the context of your project.

We can always run it up the flagpole, see what comes down; or bounce it off a wall and see if it sticks. Get with your thought partner and discuss your action items before our next huddle, and let’s compare visions about project boundaries and level of comfort in execution. The best part is that your team will be too afraid to admit they have no clue what you're talking about, so they'll nod and smile, creating a blissful illusion of progress.

Truth: Let’s stop with this nonsense. It’s stupid. Speak plainly and slowly, like I’m an idiot. If I understand what you want, then I can get it for you. If all you want is to feel smug, go away. Don’t waste my time.

5. Celebrate Small Victories

Finally, remember to celebrate every minor accomplishment as if you've just won the Nobel Prize. Did you manage to send an email without any typos? Throw a party! Did you complete a task that was only three weeks overdue? Time for a champagne toast! Did you make it through an entire meeting without falling asleep? Fireworks and confetti!

By celebrating even the tiniest achievements, you'll create an atmosphere of constant jubilation, making it easier to forget that the project is still nowhere near completion. Plus, the sheer number of celebrations will give you plenty of opportunities to enjoy cake and balloons, which are scientifically proven to improve project morale.

Truth: You get paid to do it, not to like it. There are some people who just aren’t going to like this little factoid, but it’s a job, not playtime. Work isn’t fun – that’s why you get paid to do it. Sure, there are some parts of your job you love, and some parts that you hate. You get paid for both parts, but it’s the sucky parts that need reminding – it’s a job, a paycheck, and they pay me to do it. Rewards and recognition are important, but not for every tiny achievement.

Wrap it up

All these nuggets have a common theme: get it done. The goal of a project is to complete the scope, balance time and cost, and the part we don’t hear enough: keep your sanity.

People will drive you crazy. They’ll lie, belittle, ignore, and whine – and you’ll need logic, emotional intelligence, and patience to be savvy, focus on the project goals, and keep the project moving. Improving a project may be a daunting task. Still, with a positive mental attitude and a healthy dose of humor, you can turn even the most chaotic endeavor into an unforgettable adventure – or at least get it done.

Keep moving forward,

Joseph Phillips

PMP, PMI-ACP, ITIL, PSM, Project+, CTT+

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